I am reading "The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness" by Stephen R. Covey. It's a good book, and it's a boring book. If you have read any of his other "Habit" books you will likely understand. "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" book... I had trouble with... too much focused on business when I wasn't interested in understanding business, economics, or world affairs. I read half, put it away for a couple years, then read it again. The "7 Habits Family" was much better as there were excellent examples that were much more applicable to real life, and not just the workplace.
The 8th Habit is more along the lines of the 7th Habit.. very business oriented, with some personal examples. After reading many of my other "NewAge Wackhead Shit" books, this one just feels... dry. This is not to say there is nothing good in it. Not at all! There are many important gems in this tome; however they are, once again, difficult to extract, translate and apply to "real life"... MY real life situation. And this is even after I have studied business extensively, and gotten very much more interested in economics and world affairs!
Here is one gem that I want to share with you. It is in Chapter 13, entitled "The Empowering Voice - Releasing Passion and Talent".
There may be some family people out there who can really relate to this example. And if you are struggling, then perhaps what the speaker in this example talks about may (or may not) be of benefit to you! Either way, since this is NOT about business, it should be of interest to those of you who have ever needed to work with the differences that occur in the family unit.
If you find this of value, I highly recommend you order this bood for yourself, support the author, and enjoy learning from ALL of the gems he provides. You can get it at Amazon or probably anywhere else.
I hope you enjoy. I love you. - Cam
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'Carrot and sticking' -the Jackass theory--is the best form of motivation. (Old Paradigm)
'Carrot and stick' motivation is animal psychology. People have the power to choose. You can buy someone's back, but not their heart and mind. You can buy their hands, but not their spirit. (New Paradigm)
The first alternative to the empowering role of leadership is trying to get results by controlling people.
The second alternative would be to set them loose, to abandon them. In other words, preach empowerment when, in fact, you're really into abdication and ignoring accountability.
The third alternative is both tougher and kinder; it's directed autonomy through win-win agreements around cascading line-of-sight goals and accountability for results.
I (Covey) believe most organizations, including our homes, are overmanaged and underled. Because the friction in our relationships with our children is a painful reminder of this reality, as is the rebellion that often ensues, and because the family setting is so universal, I'm going to begin our discussion of the challenge of empowerment with the true story of a friend and partner of mine who, with his wife, worked to overcome a challenge with their children:
I noticed a "dark cloud" forming over my wife one day. So I asked her, "What's wrong?" "I'm so discouraged, " she answered. "Mornings with the kids before school are awful. I feel that if I were not here telling them what to do next, nothing would ever happen. They'd never get to school. They'd never get ready. They'd never get out of bed! I don't know what to do."
So I decided to observe the next morning. She went into each room starting at about 6:15, gave each child a gentle nudge and said, "Honey, it's time to get up. Wake up." She returned two or three times until they were all rousted out. Then she turned on the shower for the one who has the toughest time getting up. For the next ten minutes my wife returned to the shower repeatedly, tapped three times on the glass door, and said, "Time to get out." "I will!" came the defensive answer. Our daughter finally turned off the showier, dried off, went to her room, curled up into a little ball on the floor, and covered her body with the towel to warm up.
Ten minutes later, "Honey, you've got to get dressed. Come on." "I don't have anything to wear!"
"Wear this."
"I don't like those clothes. They're ugly!" "What do you want to wear?"
"My jeans - but they're dirty."
The emotional scenario continued until all three were called downstairs at 6:45. My wife continued to prod the children from one thing to the next, warning that the car pool would be coming any minute. They finally got out the door with a hug and a kiss, and Mom was exhausted. I was exhausted just having watched her all morning.
I thought, "No wonder she's miserable. These kids don't know they're capable of anything themselves because we're always there reminding them." That tapping on the shower door became a symbol of how we had both unintentionally enabled their irresponsibility.
So I called the family together one evening and suggested a new approach.
"I've noticed that we are having quite a time with our mornings." Everyone started laughing knowingly. I said, "Who likes the way things are going?" No one raised a hand. So I said, "I want to tell you something that I want you to really think about. Here it is: You have within you the power to make choices. You can be responsible."
Then I went through a whole series of questions. I asked, "How many of you can set an alarm clock yourself, and then get up on your own each morning?" They all kind of looked at me like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "No, really, how many of you can do this?" Each raised a hand. "How many of you can be aware enough of the time that you can remember how long you have to shower, and then can turn off the water by yourself?" They all raised their hands. "How many of you can go into your room, choose the clothes you want and then get dressed yourself?" It was getting to be fun because they all thought, "I can do that." "If you don't have the clothes you want, how many of you are capable of checking out what clothes you have the night before, and if the clothes you want are dirty, can do a load of your clothes in the washer and dryer?" "I can do that." "How many of you have the power to make your own bed and get your room cleaned up without being asked or reminded?" Everyone raised a hand. "How many of you can be downstairs at 6:45 for our family time and breakfast?" They all raised a hand.
We went on through every single thing. In each case they agreed, "I have the power and capacity to do this." Then I said, "Okay. What we're going to do is write all this down. We're going to create and agree to a plan for our mornings."
They wrote down all the things they wanted to do and worked out a schedule.
Our daughter with whom we were having the greatest struggle was the most excited. She wrote a schedule down to the very minute. We became their source of help on some things. There were a few guidelines. We decided on how and when they'd be accountable and what the consequences would be. The positive consequences were that everyone would be a lot happier in the morning - especially Mom. And we all know that a happy Mom means a happy family! The negative consequence to not getting up on time and completing all their responsibilities on their own was that they would go to bed a half an hour earlier for a few days. This seemed fair, since lack of sleep usually makes it more difficult to get up. Each child signed their agreement, ate a bowl of ice cream, and went off to bed. So we thought, "Okay. We'll see what happens."
The next morning at six o'clock my wife and I were lying in bed. We heard an alarm go off and the light click on in one of the kid's rooms. Before we knew it our daughter with whom we had the toughest time ran to the shower, turned on the water, and got in. My wife and I smiled at each other in mild amazement. We had real hopes it would work with her-but fifteen minutes early? Within fifteen or twenty minutes, she had done everything that usually took an hour and a half, and she even had time to get her piano practicing done. We had a great morning. The other kids did the same thing.
After the kids were out the door my wife said, "I am in heaven. But the real test is, will it continue? I can see them getting really excited about one morning, but will it go on?"
Well, it's been over a year now. Though we' haven't always had quite the enthusiasm of that first morning, with only occasional exceptions (which were followed by earlier bedtimes for a few days) they've all gotten up and done everything on their own. We've also found it helpful to come together every few months to evaluate how we're doing and to renew our commitment.
It's been wonderful to see the children grow in their sense of "I can do this. I have the power. I am responsible." We try not to remind. It's been a profound lesson, and it's totally changed the nature of our family life in the mornings.
You can see that the parents were initially trying to work from the mind-set that says the kids needed to change, but gradually came to the awareness that they needed to change. The mind-set was that kids need reminding. You've got to check up, hover, and follow up. Maybe you've worked for someone like that. It's classic management/control thinking.
But then the parents reflected on their children's worth and potential - particularly their potential. They knew the children had tremendous worth, and they loved them unconditionally, but they had fallen into the typical trap of looking at their children through the lens of misbehavior. They had also not yet clearly communicated to the children their potential. They did this by asking some simple questions about whether the children believed-if they had the mind to - that they could do the basic things of getting up, doing their jobs, and getting ready to go to school. Because the children so identified emotionally with the parents, the communication took. Commitments were made and kept; potential was released; responsibility was taken; growth took place; mutual trust and confidence increased; and peace of mind and peace at home resulted. It's a beautiful, powerful example of empowerment.
Even though this is a simple little family problem, most people can identify with it. Sometimes in organizations, as well as families, people believe in the potential of others but not in their worth, so they're not patient, persistent, long-suffering, trust-giving, and self-sacrificing. It's just not worth it to them; it becomes a cost-benefit analysis and they perhaps unwittingly conclude that the cost is too great. In fact, unless people have a sense of their own personal worth, they will not be able to consistently communicate the worth of other people.
Modeling principle-centered trustworthy behavior inspires trust without "talking it." Pathfinding creates order without demanding it. Aligning nourishes both vision and empowerment without proclaiming them. Empowerment is the fruit of the other three. It is the natural result of both personal and organizational trustworthiness, which enables people to identify and unleash their human potential. In other words, empowering enthrones self-control, self-management and self-organizing. If this co-missioning takes place, ... it taps into passion, energy and drive - in short, voice.
A phoenix is a mythical bird with a tail of beautiful gold and red plumage (or purple and blue, by some sources). It has a 500 to 1,000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of myrrh twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. In some stories, the new phoenix embalms the ashes of its old self in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis. The bird was also said to regenerate when hurt or wounded by a foe, thus being almost immortal and invincible — it is also said that it can heal a person with a tear from its eyes and make them temporarily immune to death. The phoenix is a symbol of fire and divinity. 
