Dickhead next door was off to work...
Dickhead Dad's car was nowhere to be seen...
So I grabbed the opportunity, went next door and asked the daughter if it was OK for me to go in their yard and trim the hedge that pokes over into their yard.
She said that her father had said he was going to "do something about it" and that she didn't know if it was OK or not. So I assured her that all I was going to do was trim MY hedge, that is sticking out into their yard, and that was all and would it be OK for me to set foot in their yard?. She said, "Wakarimashita" (which means "I understand".) Her response was about as Japanese as could be for it neither gave me permission, nor denied me access, but rather just signified that she "understood" what I wanted to do (this is the kind of language that allows people to weasel their way out of promises they make but cannot keep without having to lose face... because they actually do not have to commit to anything!)
Those of you who have been with us for some time now know that conditions between us and the neighbours has deteriorated dramatically from when we first moved in. We try to be nice, we try to engage in conversation, we try to keep the neighbourhood air... clear from any discomfort. But they just do not respond. When we moved here we were told they were strange, but we didn't let that affect us toward them. Well, things have changed in three years.
When at first I was told I could freely come in to trim the hedges and clean up fallen leaves, I found out last year that Dickhead Dad complained that I just came into their yard and trimmed the hedges and cleaned up the fallen leaves. He didn't complain to me, he complained to others in the neighbourhood. There have been other incidences.
We don't want to bother trying to talk with them anymore so it was a good opportunity for me to get over there, get the trimming done, and get out! So you can imagine my consternation when, as I was picking up the teeny leaves that sometimes fall to their gravel yard, that he drove home, and immediately came stomping over to where I was. I decided I needed to apply some Platinum Rule Tactics in order to prevent an argument. So the first thing I did was to breathe..... and know that I was working in "the gap", and that I was relaxed and at peace with the processes in my life.
My first tactic was to apologize for not getting it done sooner but that I had been ill for over three weeks and unable to get out into the sun. We got to talking about this and I explained what the illness was (he didn't know), and why I was unable to come and trim the hedge. This helped to deflect his anger at us because I have been sick but moreso because I was truly apologetic for inconveniencing him in my illness.
My second tactic was to let him know that if he ever wants it trimmed, all he has to do is let me know and I am more than happy to come over and cut the branches that stick into his yard, but that since I do not visit his yard regularly, I cannot tell if anything is sticking over. I need his cooperation for this but am glad to do so. This helped him to see that I am really not an adversary, but want to work with him, rather than be a thorn in his side.
My third tactic was to comment on how this year the insects did not eat all of the leaves off of this hedge for the first time since we arrived, and also that finally, the bushes were starting to fill back in again after the really heavy snowfall of two years ago broke off huge portions of the hedge, leaving gaping... gaps in the hedge (which Mayu hates because when she sits outside, he can stare through ("nozoku" in Japanese) at her). This helped to take his mind away from the fact that I was in his yard without HIS permission, cutting back the branches that were causing him great distress, and creating (in his mind) much garbage that was falling in his yard.
You can see in the picture how closely back to the fence I trimmed today. Well, it seems it was not enough for Dickhead Dad because our land ends on THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONCRETE WALL and that he really wants the hedge trimmed back so absolutely nothing sticks above the wall, because the leaves that fall are extremely bothersome and make his yard feel really messy! (OK, I understand...)
I then employed my fourth tactic, which was to gently, but firmly explain to him that due to the damage of the hedge in the past, if we cut back entirely to my side of his fence, then that will cut away ALL of the green leaves on his side, leaving him with dead, bald, grey branches to look at all of the time. I suggested that we leave it as it is so at least there is some sense of greenery for him to see. His response? "A ho ka..." which is local dialect for "Ah, sou desu ka?" or "Is that so.....?" (Aho also means "idiot" or "moron" in slang so I always laugh when people over here use that instead of "ah sou".) This helped him to see things a bit differently, and show him that I was offering a suggestion that was in his best interest, but still willing to meet his needs if he really felt it necessary.
I employed my fifth tactic of telling him how great his hedge (different bush) on the other side of his house looked in spite of the fact that two years ago everyone else in the neighbourhood lost theirs because they went on a "trimming frenzy" (see someone trim, must get out and trim too) and cut it all too short, effectively destroying it. This allowed him to feel a sense of pride for his hard work, diffusing his anger at seeing me there.
He then walked away.
I swept up and collected as much of the fallen leaves as possible, then took all the clippings and dropped them in the "clipping pile" in our yard (it's under the caterpillar dust of death tree and I have no intentions on getting anywhere NEAR that stuff this year, so Mayu can take care of it all!!)
So, why am I telling you this? Certainly it is not to rant. Not at all.
What I want to show you is that there is a way to diffuse conflict in negotiation situations such that neither party has to feel the need to let ego come raging into the foreground in an attempt to defend through a destructive offence.
What I feel I was able to do, was to calmly approach the situation with his needs, his wants in mind, and allow him to PERCEIVE a potentially explosive situation in a different manner. By genuinely apologizing for our bushes being a problem to him and gently explaining why I was unable to come sooner, by appealing to his ego and recognizing his hard work at keeping a tidy and healthy yard, and by engaging him in non-threatening dialogue he was able to freely CHOOSE TO SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY (on his terms).
Had I been aggressive, snarky, sarcastic, bitchy, defensive, expressed "my needs" or be angry in any way, this incident would have gone in the opposite direction. But I was able to think, and act in "the Gap" with my advance knowledge of his reaction to our existence and divert potential conflict.
This does not mean that we are now buddies, or that he will suddenly greet me when we meet. I don't expect that. But I must admit that it really was nice to know that I was able to achieve MY goals without causing him undue distress, and also to finish the work calm, relaxed and at peace with the processes in my life.
This was a win-win situation for us both and a perfect example (in my mind) why it is so very important to focus your attentions OUTWARD on others' needs, rather than try to have your needs met first. Following the "Golden Rule" in this case would not have worked, because giving him the same things I expect to receive makes absolutely no sense when we are two different individuals with completely different needs.
This is also why I believe that the "Golden Rule" is flawed: it bases your actions on what YOU would want done to yourself, ASSUMING that others would want the same things, rather than by basing your actions on what the other person might really prefer have done for them.
This is what I call the "Platinum Rule":
"Do unto others as they would have you do unto them".
The Platinum Rule employs MINDFULNESS towards others. It is much more respectful of others than the "Golden Rule", I believe, because it takes into consideration their true wants and needs rather than your own. This is not always easy to do, of course, because in many cases you may not know what they really want. But you can always ask, right?
I know it works for me and those around me so I have chosen to re-educate myself based upon my real life experiences, and see things differently from the way I was raised. And, in most cases, the results speak for themselves.
I love you!
Cam
