Today I had a burning desire to get out in the sun and sweat. So I split up my hostas in the back against the house, that are growing like weeds from ... another galaxy, and moved them to where the normal weeds grow like crazy: in the middle of the sandy area. I found that where the hostas grow, there are no weeds. And I thought that if I could transfer them to the area that gets all weedy, this might decrease my work load for weeding. So I did. And it felt good to finally move again after being sick for the past two weeks...
The past two weeks have been an adventure that I do not recommend anyone else take, if they can avoid it! The problem is, there is no way of avoiding shingles when it hits, and the only thing the doctors know is that it is brought on by either a weakened immune system, or "stress".
Mine started with what I thought was yet another "caterpillar dust from hell rash" and it proceeded to get worse throughout the week. Finally at Day 6 I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with shingles. They say that the pain can be reduced if caught in the first day or so, but that didn't happen.
I have NEVER experienced pain like I did in my head, shooting through the nerve networks, totally uncontrollable. Nothing reduced the pain, not even potent anti-VIRAL medicine. I am on three more weeks of medicine to try to heal the damage done to the nerves in my head from the shingles. I still have slight headaches all day, and especially in the morning after my cranium has been resting (pressure) on the pillow all night.
Thank you ALL for caring for me, loving me and worry about me during these past two weeks. I absolutely adore you and am so grateful to each and every one of you!
The purpose of this blog is NOT to talk about the pain, or give you a running commentary (you can see that on flickr). Instead, I want to tell you about my awakening that I had from this experience...
As most of you know I have been doing a lot of meditation and breathing exercises since January. I have also been reading and studying a lot of "spiritual" things. I have gotten to a point where I can be PRESENT in the NOW moment and very AWARE of my existence in many cases. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, but it does feel good to experience an internal peace I have never before known in my life.
But...
During these past two weeks of my illness, I was completely unable to be in a single "now" moment! I was unable to "breathe"; I was unable to be "present"; I was completely incapable of listening to a single meditation for a week; and I was, what I would call, very very UN-AWARE (of anything but the pain).
When the pain abated enough for me to move around a little, I started to think deeply on this, meditate for as long as I could before my head would begin the pain, and attempt to pull out a lesson for myself, to find some sort of positive education that I might gain from this ordeal...
I believe that from now on I will be better able to understand people who are unable to be present for whatever reason. I know now what it feels like to be physically unable to be there. I hope that from this ordeal I will be better-equipped to be much more patient, loving, caring, understanding and present for people as they work with the concepts of "awareness", "presence" and "being" (and health). I hope that now I can just BE there with them until they are able to have that "aha moment" on their own terms, loving unconditionally.
I have grown from this experience in a way that I never expected.
Hosta... la vista, Baby!
I love you!
Cam
* The Japanese phrase 不幸中の幸い (fukouchuu no saiwai) means "from misfortune comes happiness".
Too bad you'll never get to experience childbirth. The pain of that makes for the ultimate 'now' experience.
ReplyDeleteOur dear Cam, always turning good or bad experiences into a way to grow.
ReplyDeleteI love you!
I've decided that I now know what the "interrogees" experienced in the TV series, "24", when they were injected with some mystery liquid that turned their veins on fire.
ReplyDeleteI hope the Hosta survive the dividing and transplant in the midst of a HOT summer day.
ReplyDeletedividing is usually a Spring or Autumn task, but i know what it's like to just NEED to get out there and DO something.
I also know what it's like to be in such distress that being present and breathing becomes nearly, if not entirely, impossible.
Morarwen mentions childbirth... that'd be one of them. Those Lamaze exercises tend to get lost in the midst of one of those massive contractions, LOL.
Another is extreme mental anguish, like witnessing a tragedy or receiving news of something horrible...though i imagine with help someone could be "coached" to settle themselves and try to breathe.
I'm glad you had this awakening, Sweety, but i'm so sorry it came about insuch a painful way.
I love you.
Jen - I have total confidence that these hosta (roots) will survive... even if the plants kick the bucket. Thank you! I love you. Oh, Linda has a really good lecture video that I recommend watching. I thought... hey, I live life just like this guy!
ReplyDeleteNow that's some enlightenment you had! It can be "painful" in a way for some of us to be "aware", "present", "being"...especially when it comes to our health. We all want that "aha moment", and it is so difficult for some of us to get there. For the lucky ones, their aha moments come quickly and they can easily "change" once this moment hits. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. : )
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are feeling better, and I hope you're 100% very soon.
I love you!
Amy - Your body knows you best, and if you agree to listen to it (as best you can), then I promise you I am content to be here to pat you on the back when you have a breakthrough, and pat you on the back when you don't. Because I love you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Cam. That really means so much.
ReplyDeleteShingles...ouch. :( That's the "adult version" of the chicken pox virus. I had chicken pox when I was 5. I still have scars. You can see in your pictures Where you go to feeling alright (but knowing) to feeling like down right shit to starting to feel better. I am so very sorry you had to go through that. BUT it's great that, though you couldn't do it in the moments of pain, you have become AWARE. Awareness is a good thing - something we (should) all work on. Thank you for reminding us.
ReplyDeleteTake Care Of You!
Tornado - The chicken pox virus, when done with kids goes to sleep and can come back in the adults without warning. So since you had chicken pox as a child, as did I, as do almost everyone... again, pray it stays dormant in you!
ReplyDeleteOH! That's nice to know! Thanks for the information! I love you!
ReplyDeleteI am happy you have blossomed with this experinece and did not let it shrink and piss you off.
ReplyDeleteI have had severe headaches for years. They slow me down, make me groggy...but I can still move physically, just my mental state is kaput.. I cannot think...am completely unaware during these.
Also, 2 years ago, I was severely dehydrated. Then as well...I was not aware AND I had very little to no control over my body. Unfortunately, the person I was living with just saw it as a weakness. To this day, he still thinks I could have just gotten up and sucked it up.
I could not.
The total sense of NOT being was so overpowering......I could not walk, eat, sleep, blink, lift my arms, stand up.......not without massive effort, and a few times I could not move at all.
So, I know how it is to feel blah and to feel totally undone.
I am thrilled that you could learn from this, Cam. You have become more aware after being so unaware.
Wonderful!
XOXO
I love you, Linda! (watch still running?)
ReplyDeleteWouk....
ReplyDeleteHave I mentioned todaya how much I adore you? No....?
well...
I adore you!
:)
P.S. Hostas are the one plant that i simply can not grow. For reasons unknown to me... I plant them... they die. I get bigger ones... plant them... they die. I dunno....
ReplyDeletefunny... it's the one thing you have ......
Wait a sec.
I was gonna say.. "the one thing you have that I want"
but.... *snicker*
ok... I need coffee... time to get the mind outta the gutter.
hee hee
So glad to hear you are feeling almost normal again!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post Cam!! I love the whole concept of "from misfortune comes happiness" which in my Minnesota way, I translate as -we need fertilizer to grow.
I truly understand how you mean that you were able to know for a minute what it must be like for others that cannot or won't try to connect with the inner space with in, or are so identified with form that they cannot feel their presence- what an amazing revelation!! I too hope that I could learn to be more patient and simply present while others around me, hopefully, awaken or bloom into their presence. Like you said, that is unconditional love. Wow. Thanks Cam.
You've given me some good health food for thought and reflection today. GL!!
Sounds like you're starting to feel better.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your pain.
The hostas will be fine.
Keiko is your cat.
I can sympathize and relate with you completely. While I was 'lucky' enough to not get shingles on my face, I did have them on my side, and they followed the nerve path to my spine and hung out there. I initially thought I had been bitten by some sort of but since I had been out golfing just days before and didn't notice anything until after that. When I got them, I was working a job that I hated and had been recently diagnosed with high blood pressure (which is now gone) leading me to completely believe that stress was my trigger.
ReplyDeleteShingles suck. And it also sucks that the drugs they gave me are primarily used for genital herpes and other sexually transmitted diseases. While filling the prescription, I felt the need to tell the phamacist that I had shingles so he wouldn't think I had cooties in my pants.
Watch is still running, Cam.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about this post all day as well as my recent post.
Good stuff, for the insides.....XOXO
do you KNOW why we love you?
ReplyDeletedo you know why KAYAK luvs you?
**sigh**
it's right there
well i aughta be 20 feet tall by the end of THIS year
ReplyDeleteFOFL
Kayak - What? You mean it isn't for my stick legs???? I love you anywhoo!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that I had a great person to think for me when I my depression got so bag I could not think for myself.
ReplyDeletexoxo
You never cease to amaze me at the things you discover. Ironically you were in the now without knowing it.
ReplyDeleteI am very glad you are doing better.
ReplyDeleteI love you
I'm glad that you are doing better too, Cam. For that matter I'm glad that I'm doing better too.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are doing better too, Rachel. In fact, you were looking damn better to me when you hugged me, let me tell you, miss!
ReplyDeleteMichelle - Thank you, Michelle! I don't count that as "now" because now = aware, and when one is in that much pain, it is most definitely anything BUT being aware. I love you!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((WISHING YOU WELL)))))))))))))))))))))))) from the ukxxx
ReplyDeleteHahahahaa! You already are at least that big on the inside amiga! *cheesy grin*
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jools. I love you!
ReplyDeleteYea better is good. Time to go and work on getting better than better.
ReplyDeleteCam , I just went and looked at your flickr photo's ~ wow you really had it bad !!
ReplyDeleteI had shingles a few years ago but it was on my arm and hands, before they came out was when I had the pain in my arm, so bad it made me cry, I couldn't understand what was wrong because there were no blisters yet, but then they started to come out one by one , I at first thought something had bitten me , but as more and more came I went to the emergency room, at first the Doctor wasn't sure what it was then she came back to me and said you have "Zona" , I didn't have a clue what that was until she said it means shingles. One thing I will warn you about is get your immune system back in order and get a lot of rest because unknown to me at that time, it is really at a low, and I got so sick after the shingles went away, I got pneumonia and was so ill , I couldn't walk , I was that weak, I was hospitalized for a month almost. So really take care of yourself , take vitamins anything you can to make yourself strong and rest, rest, rest !!! I am so sorry to see how badly you got it , I know how awful the pain is , and it must be worse on your face and head. (you know it comes from chicken pox ~ same virus) I love you
Hi Sharon - You know.... that bit about the immune system.... it pretty much answers the question I have had these past few weeks... "Even though the blisters, and scabs are gone and I'm trying to erase the scarring... and in spite of the itchiness in my scalp, and stuff, I am UNBELIEVABLY fatigued all the time! I was wondering why that was, but it makes sense. I do remember reading also that they say patients suffer from "malaise" for a long time afterward... whew.... yeah... where did my energy go?
ReplyDeleteI love you! Thanks for coming to take a look. I really appreciate it....
Excuse me while I go and tend to the invisible ants still running along the nerve lines in my face and scalp.....
cam
ReplyDeleteSince you are in Japan
and know the culture ,Etc.. I know you know "Perfection lies in imperfection"
However.. how many times did you have chicken pox as a child?
only once? if wice you probably could have got out of it.
Stress can still bring it on. I Oddly enough had it three times.
the finaly was crazy itchy and burning and feverish.
I am sure you must be nuts with it as I had three adult friend with it.
I am lucky.. as an adult none have struck..and I am impervious to small pox
gotta love cows, for all they give ...MMMMmmmm Beef
oddly as well, the invisable bugs stay there for weeks
ReplyDeleteblame our crazy nerves for that crap!
Nice to have you back, you crazy son of a bitch!
ReplyDeleteHow'd you know my meme?
ReplyDelete;)