Gifting, Japanese-style

Today Masaki and his mom came by to visit and see how I was doing, on their way to another town an hour away. They brought me some of my favourite foods: a pack of 10 hotspring eggs, a jar of homemade pickled "rakkyo", and a nice big chunk of specially-cooked pork. They left with 12 beef that we had received as a summer gift ourselves, and some sesame paste that Mayu buys for herself, but loves to give away.

Then later, our good neighbour Matsuda-san came by. She has been in Nagoya for two weeks during her younger daughter's first child's (their first grandchild) birth. It was a long two weeks. Since she was away, she came over to tell us how the birth went, and she brought us an olive oil bar of soap that she bought for us as a gift, from Nagoya. She left with six little pairs of corn-lactopolymer based biodegradable baby socks, and a six pack of beer that came from the same source noted above. Of course she said with a smile, a laugh, and gratitude when she left, "I came to give you a gift, but instead I received one so I don't know what the real reason for my coming has become!"

In this country of Japan, gift giving is one of the traditions that pretty much must be adhered to in order to maintain good relationships at work, in family, neighbourhood. Of course with the collapse of society going on around us here in Japan, and all the murders, bizarre slayings, and other nasties, this lovely custom may have come to an end among the youth. But for those who really appreciate traditions in Japan, giving gifts when you visit someone, come back from a trip overseas, or just pop over to a friend's place to say hi, is important. It shows you care.

The giver gives something they choose. Sometimes it may be fruit, some packaged coffees, sweets, and other things. It doesn't need to be expensive, but when giving to the office, it needs to be wrapped such that everyone can have a piece of the action in a sense. With a gift to friends, enough so that the entire family ma enjoy is appropriate. 

As is sometimes the case, many recipients cannot or do not use the gift for whatever reason that may be (that's up to them to decide, not us the giver). This is irrelevant to the condition of giving the gift. The true importance here in Japan is the fact that the guest gave something, and the host received something. The thought in giving and receiving, and the gratitude and appreciation are the key points. What the gift actually is, really is not the important thing.

Now let's say that one receives a gift that one doesn't use... say coffee when you do not drink coffee (gasp!). It doesn't really matter either way. What was important was that one person thought of another and gave them something out of mindfulness. The recipient can gracefully and with genuine gratitude receive this gift in this case, and both parties needs are met.

So what happens to the coffee, you may ask? Well, most likely the recipient will know someone who does drink coffee, and would enjoy getting some coffee as a gift themselves. This is known as "osusowake" or sharing a received gift with someone else. By telling the third party that you are giving them an osusowake, they understand that you are passing something along, and that you did not go out and purchase it yourself. And in that case, they are not required to return anything.

Ah. I forgot to mention this.... If you bring a gift to an individual, be prepared to gracefully accept something from their fridge, or cupboard (like fruits, or cakes, or coffees, or beer, or soft drinks, or juice or something) in return. Do Not Refuse. Remember to accept with gratitude as this return custom is important. Even if you take someone a pie that you baked for them, in most cases you will go home with something else. This is the way it is, and really it is a smooth way to do things. It works well.

So, what you effectively are doing when you give a gift that is again given away is that you allow the recipient to gift to someone else and make that other person happy.

This spreads appreciation and gratitude and good feeling even further because you have not only made one person grateful for receiving your thoughtfulness, but you have allowed that person to make someone else happy as well! Your love has been forwarded in love and happiness.

And this is, in my understanding after living here for 20 years, a very nice way to look at giving and receiving gifts because this way you can NEVER EVER be disappointed with what you get, and you never need to be disappointed if the recipient cannot use it. They will always appreciate YOU for giving. (This doesn't work with children, of course who are still heavily investing in "take take take".).

Another interesting thing to note is that the Japanese recipient will rarely, if ever open the gifts in front of the giver. Foreigners who give gifts here often have to ask Japanese to open them because they feel uncomfortable when the Japanese person receives it with gratitude, puts it aside, and continues on with the conversation. I admit that it does take getting used to, but with practice and a focus on the gratitude and the meaning of the giving, rather on the object itself, it becomes second nature. If you do ask the Japanese person to "go ahead, open it", they are often very embarrassed. Of course friends may be accustomed to this if you give and receive regularly.

In my N.A. culture we tend to give "special" gifts to people and say, "I bought something special for you." In Japan we downplay the object itself and say, "Tsumaranai mono, desu ga..." (it is an uninteresting thing, but I give it to you). We may ask, "Why give something not interesting?" But this is not the meaning. It is important in Japan to play down your actions and be humble, rather than play up your deeds and look for praise. This too is critical in understanding the true essence of Japanese gift giving.

What I have learned or come to feel is natural after living here for nearly 20 years is that the importance of the gift is not really the critical point; but rather the thought of thinking of that person, and caring about them enough to give a gift is what makes it special. And at the same time, the gratitude in receiving a gift (any gift) is the special "take home" not the actual ability to appreciate the object itself.

I love you!

Cam