One of the things I learned when I read "Anger and the Indigo Child" (thank you again, She - it was a great book), is that we often neglect ourselves, sacrifice ourselves in order to "love others". This in itself sounds kind of right... but as the author explained in her book, if this happens too many times, eventually we run out of self-love. And when that happens, we stop being able to actually give love outwardly to others in a selfless manner. And as soon as the "selflessness" of the love is lost, it becomes a "selfish love" which immediately loses all of it's ability to heal because it becomes a needy-dependent-conditional love.
So, from my study of this book along with my other readings and my real life experimentation - oops - I mean study... I have come to understand that in order to continue to provide unconditional, selfless love that is not bound by any conditions at all, it is extremely important to make sure your self-love tank is full. Otherwise, the love you think you are giving, will not be received properly, which can lead to huge amounts of frustration on your part because you may then begin to think that "I'm giving all I can, but how come they aren't getting it???!!"
All you "sacrifical mom/lambs" out there, get that? As my friend Tornado always signs off, "Take Care of You!" And I would like to include an an addendum, "so that you can continue to share your unconditional love with your family and grow with them."
I realized yesterday that I haven't been sharing a lot of LOVE, GRATITUDE, RESPECT much these past couple of months as I am sitting here with little to no employ, driving here and there, going about my day. Like most people, I have kind of "slipped back into the old routine". It happens, it really does, even when you get into the "good habits". So it surprised me when I realized that I haven't been doing this. But you know... as soon as I started up again the other day... good things started happening again and life felt... lighter.
Take the time today or tomorrow to reach out and touch someone's life. Maybe try someone that you aren't closely connected with. Think about the good things about them, think about what they have brought to your life and how much you appreciate them. Just totally out of the blue hit them with your Unconditional Genuine Love that is fueled by Unconditional Self-Love (USL).
If your USL tank is on E... take the time to stop and fill it up. It's like one of Stephen Covey's critically important "Seven Habits": Sharpen The Saw (Principles of Balanced Self-Renewal); you need to physically create the time to renew yourself in order to continue on in a productive, efficient way.
What was it that Ganesha said the other day about being too busy to add new things to your life? Oh yeah! He suggested that we get rid of something in our schedule, so that we can open up some time to do new and important things. We all ONLY have the same 24 hours a day and adding a 25th hour onto the pile won't work for long!
This is what I love about sharing the concepts in "The Secret" to help people feel self-love. Here is a real life example that came into my inbox this morning.
I work freelance for the company that Mai is employed in. She is my contact, she sends me most of the outsourcing work. It seems that Mai has been quite stressed out at work these past couple of months because they are swamped with internal work.
I have not had much work at all from her these past two months. But I don't just lie down and die. No way! It is important to keep the contact alive, to keep checking in as I like to say, just to let them know that I have (way too much free) time on my hands for anything large or small they might like to toss my way.
In her replies, I could see how harried she has been. So I sent her this email, just because I thought of her. And she replied. And it made me smile.
Reach out and touch someone's life today. I love you. - Cam
*****
Subject: Just to say Thank You
Hello, Mai.
I am writing today because I want to tell you that I appreciate you, am grateful we connected through Mirra and my blogs, and that you have offered me work these past two years. I want to tell you that I really do appreciate what you have offered me. I also would like to let you know that I deeply respect your hard work, and am impressed by your dedication to the company. I have much respect for you and your work ethic.
So, basically I just simply want to say, with glowing eyes, and a smiling face...
THANK YOU.
And I hope that you enjoy the sakura as they seem to be in full bloom in Tokyo now. Have a wonderful day, and enjoy your walk home tonight. I hope that something really GREAT happens to you today! - Cam
*****
Dear Cam, Thank you very much for your e-mail. I don’t know what to reply… Thank you.
On Saturday, I walked along Meguro River seeing Sakura. It was wonderful! And my future plan got clearer by having a chance to talk about it with my boyfriend on that day. We were too busy this month to face each other until then. I believe your e-mail brought me a good chance.
I hope that we continue to work together from now on as well. Have a nice day! - Mai
beautiful they are beautiful. I want to see flowers blooming so badly. My son got me some tulip for earter but they died fast. I guest I should move to Tokyo. lots of love
ReplyDeleteI am going to have to read that book again Cam. I have forgotten that is has so many pearls of great value in it.
ReplyDeleteThis is the blog you were talking about right?
This is a wonderful story you share with us Cammie,
Its true that if we do not share the gratitude we have with others, we will forget it ourselves.
This rang true for me after all this deer killing episode was over. As I sat in my home after the accident pondering my work at the hospital, it came to me that I'm grateful for a workplace that for the most part is pretty lenient with me at times. I could be working for someone who would say to me, "well you should make every effort to come to work no matter what." Instead they were "grateful" that I said I would come in the afternoon. And then by the time I went there I was actually feeling pretty positive. The car was picked up and taken to my step-daughter's husbands garage where he will take good care to fix it right for me. And the money from the insurance will help his family. MY family. So I am grateful to give him that business.
So when at work I went about my chores with a good mood and a smile for everyone, one of my patients who had overheard me talking with my co-workers about the accident said to me, "you are pretty cheerful for someone who has been through such an ordeal." I simply replied to her that I was grateful to have walked away from it unharmed myself and that after the shock wore off there was no need to wallow in pity for any reason. She looked puzzled.
Anyway we can't forget that we on stage all the time. We are always being watched.
I love you
She
First, I'm so glad that you are okay, Mavis! *hug*
ReplyDeleteCam,
This is a wonderful post, as usual. I never find any of your posts not wonderful, so that seems silly to say that.. but I really loved this post.
I have been spending the last two weeks, or so, sharpening my saw, around my home and I've been feeling guilty that I haven't really been blogging, in the writing part, anyway.. well, no more guilt. I'm doing what I need to be doing to make me able to give to others.. again.
You see, in the past few years, my physical disabilities had buried my home. Literally. Every room was looking like an aftermath of a terrible quake or hurricane.. I couldn't find anything. I was constantly frustrated. I was buying replacements to things that I knew I already owned. The piles were out of control and I was feeling no peace, at all.
So, over the last two weeks.. I've fixed it.
Its a pure miracle that the doctor found my problem, last August and removed that toxic organ from my body. My migraines stopped. My back pain reduced by 80+%.. and I could get out of bed again.
I am a new woman. I'm so pleased to feel that my home is livable again.
I've missed everyone's blog and hope to catch up more now, too.
Thanks for sharing more of your wonderful wisdom! *hug*
Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteIt makes a lot of sense.
I'll give it a lot of thought.
Great post, Cam.
ReplyDeleteI do have a problem with the title Sacrifical Mom though... you mentioned that in an email to me earlier in the week.... and.... it took me by surprise.
I don't think that I'm a martyr of any sorts when it comes to my family... yes, often times, I come last.. and many times, I learn to do without... but I never. EVER. feel diminished by that... I love myself daily... by taking care of myself, by keeping my home beautiful, by sending my kids off to school with a hand packed sack lunch.... and.... I never feel like it's taking away from me. My children ARE me. This time in my life is fleeting.... my family is growing up so quickly... and for these few short years... I am not in last place... I am simply... Mother. and that is a role I cherish.
Do I ever get tired? yep.
Do I ever think, "ugh... a moment's peace would be nice" ? You betcha...
But I can just as easily think back 12 years ago when I had a colicky baby that never stopped screaming and remember wishing... she would just be quiet.... and even though those memories are fresh in my mind, I know... in less time that she's been with me.... she'll be gone. So... let me be last... I like that view. I get to see what everyone else is doing.... and I love every minute of it.
There are mothers who give all to their kids at the cost of themselves.... I've just never been one of them. Giving to my family... recharges me. It fills me up. I don't know if you understand that or not.... but that's how I feel about it.
Good post!
Wow, Stef.
ReplyDeleteYou took the word out of my mouth there.
A mother never really feels she is giving up something in order to take the best care of her family.
It's just... what we do!
But there does come a time AFTER they are grown up that you might look back and think... wish i could have done more ...for me, but when it's happening, when you're IN IT, you don't even see it. You're just so glad to know you are doing right by them.
And when you see the fruits of your labour, as i do in my kids, i think... "nope... wouldn't change a thing.
Most of it was so much fun.
And the bad parts? Like childbirth itself, you just kind of forget about it.
I will admit that there are times i should have done more to fill up MY love tanks, but that's only now in hindsight that i've seen that
Thanks for helping me sort out my thoughts, Stef.
And thank you, CammyMou for provoking these thoughts.
Great post... as usual.
I love you!
Pay no attention to me. I don't know anything about parenting anyway. I was just relating what other mothers had said and the concept of self-love and it's importance for your loved ones to take the time to say NO sometimes to your family so you can say YES to yourself. If I don't plug my notebook computer in sometimes, the battery dies and no matter how hard I hit the keys, nothing happens.
ReplyDeleteWe love paying attention to you, Sweety, because you do, in most cases "get it".
ReplyDeleteYou love and caring more than make up for this minor lack of experience.
Only people who really REALLY want children should have them.
Then the sacrifices are minimal i the overall scheme of things.
Oh, and believe me... NO was and is still an integral part of childrearing. No kid should think he can have anything and everything he wants.... including ALL of his parents' attention ALL the time.
I love you!
You cannot expect to give what you want to give to others if you cannot first give it to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI was a single Mom for most of Jacob's life. I juggled him/career/home/family/friends/pets/you name it BEFORE I did anything for myself. One day I hit the wall. I was forced into a situation where all I could do was take care of me. I believe if you ask my people how I was for them after this happened they will tell you I was better. I was more.
I have a strong feeling that when I hit the wall this time (upcoming surgery) something extremely profound/magical/life affirming is going to happen.
There is a difference in those "healthy" giving moms and the ones who sacrifice and end up resenting their children for it. Healthy giving moms know when to take a break and say no and I am certain Stenfee and Jen are healthy giving moms.
ReplyDeleteI have seen the ones who are not so. Their tanks are completely empty of self love and they have so little self esteem that they end up in the end shutting down and breaking down. That is where some child abuse comes into play. Or the control issue raises its ugly head. When you don't have self love and you give to the point of it emptying your love tank, you resent that the love you have been giving is not being returned. You mistakenly think that you are giving and giving and that you are not being appreciated.
I agree with Stefnee and Jen. Healthy mothers do not feel that giving to their families is a sacrifice. It is good to take a good look at yourself though and pay attention to when you as a mother need to fill your tank. Once when I was sitting in a hospital with a sick child and there was no way to get any rest it dawned on me that if I didn't take care of myself first I would be no good for my baby. Sure, I felt some guilt for even thinking about leaving my child even for a few hours to go get a bath, change clothes and rest for a few hours, but I was at the point of collapse and I knew if I gave into that my child would not have me at all. So I left, I rested and I came back with my tank refilled and was able to be a better mom for my child.
Just saying.
And you "just said it" so well, MavisGrind!
ReplyDeleteSo very well.
I love you, Sheila!!!
that's a great point Sheila... and that's just part of being aware of your own needs...
ReplyDeleteCam.. I have an inkling of a suspicion that you know more than you let on... and... You KNOW I value your opinion... so.. nice try.. but you're in this.
I think that the moms who give at the expense of themselves.... well, honestly, I think that they are giving too much. I have a friend like that.... she's a doormat. I love her dearly... but.... she needs a spine. There are many different types of moms.... I give. I give a lot.. and sometimes... I do without so that I CAN give.... but never do I deplete myself so that my children are more.
Mothering... hell.. Parenting can be overwhelming... there are times.. when I feel like I'm in a raging river and I can't find my footing.. and there are times when... things run like clockwork. I remember a time when my twins were two.. and I woke up.. and thought, "Who am *I*?!" I had lost myself in breastfeeding and diapers ... and forgotten to take care of me. But again, I think that's simply all part of the whole package.
Anywhoo.. I hope no one thought I was being hostile or lashing out or anything. Just pointing out the view from my observation deck.
Not only does our attitude affect our family, we perpetuate the problem by modeling the behavior to our children. I like to separate this process of perpetuation into two categories that I like to call: the things I meant to teach my children and the things I never meant to teach my children. Whether we realize it is happening or not, our children pick up our traits and behaviors and will either seek them out in a future spouse, or will gravitate towards creating that in themselves because "it feels just like home". Examples being: I meant to teach my children to have a good work ethic, to do their homework, go to college, etc…I didn’t mean to teach them to be self-sacrificing to the point of martyrdom, or that if decision-making makes you feel uncomfortable, put the decisions off, a drink is a way to relax when you get home from work, or saying “no” makes people dislike you, so don’t ever say “no.” You can always say yes and just never get around to doing the things you don’t want to do. We call this an example of cross-generational patterns of dysfunction…traits and behaviors, including addictions, handed down from generation to generation.
ReplyDeleteHow about if we shorten "cross-generational patterns of dysfunction" to something easier to roll around the tongue: "cross poli-nation"?
ReplyDeleteThanks Abby. Great comment! Nice to see you back. Life must have you very very busy over there.
Not too busy to read up on all of you, just not enough time to post much!
ReplyDeleteLove you guys!
Don't kids also do or take on just the opposite traits of their parents as well?
ReplyDeleteI can tend to be very high strung, but both my kids are very laid back, rarely flying off the handle or getting irritated or frustrated as easily as their mom... it's annoying LOL!
Then again, maybe that's why they are... just to show me up...
And doesn't rebellion and /or a better sense of the world make kids take a different path?
My husband's parents, mother especially,could be very intolerant of "difference"... races, sexual orientation, religions, etc.
My husband picked up none of that...ever.
I think that kids who are outgoing and curious watch and listen to others apart from and including parents and decide for themselves that they want to be like or different from what they experience at home.
Just askin.
What I am referring to, when discussing modeling, is the unconscious copying of behaviors or traits, not conscious choosing. For example, my sister was 4'11" and had her hip dislocated when she was delivered, resulting in her having a pronounced limp due to having one leg significantly shorter than the other. Her daughter, my niece, walked just like her, having copied her gait. There was not a thing wrong with the child that would cause her to walk with a limp. She just spent all her time with my sister, and emulated her. Her walk was a symptom of modeling. Children, mistakenly raised with retarded children, will model their behavior after what they see, and will take on the characteristics of the retarded, although they themselves, are not retarded. It is almost like imprinting...
ReplyDeleteOf course kids choose as well, and it is natural for them to be different than their parents, to help them separate and become their own adult selves.
Does this answer your question or clarify what I was talking about?