Thursday, September 18, 2008

Lost in Translation III: The Phase

My previous two blogs are getting really long (it's my fault!!) I am philosophizing on my own philosophy which can get dangerously wordy when my three brains start doing this simultaneously.

If you missed the first two blogs, you may want to catch up before you read this.

Lost in Translation

Lost in Translation II: The Takeaway

Oh, and you may want to read the comments because this is in direct response to a most wonderful discussion I am having with Alan now!

I have learned that a lot of real gems get lost in the comment section, jewels that others may want to hold onto for themselves because they turn out to be precious... But often we read the blog, then write a comment, and go... not realizing that a wonderfully thoughtful discussion is going on below...

And in this case it is.... You don't want to miss the extremely astute point that our wonderful friend Alan, has brought up. It concerns the term "phase"...

Here are my thoughts in reply to Alan's most excellent comment, eh.

Alan writes....

"Most of my life, since I was 12 or so, has been nothing but chaotic change... I have felt pushed by the forces of... nature, for lack of a better term, for my entire adult life... even when I fooled myself into thinking I was making decisions, I can look back and see that almost everything was reactionary....

I'd feel sometimes I am addicted to the chaos... I've talked at length with Steph about this... and I crave stability so much.... I want to have something that lasts... is that too much?

I don't want friends I have now to be just a phase in my growth cycle, I guess is what I'm trying to say."

Alan, I used to think exactly like you regarding the term "phase". It gets so ... misused (in my opinion) in the language that it has taken on an almost negative connotation. We use it like that, just like how you describe it! We all do! We use it like that when we see someone doing something we are uncomfortable with... we try to brush it off as a "passing phase", or a temporary discomfort... almost as if we hunker down, bite the bullet, eventually that person will stop doing whatever it is that bothers us and get back on track.

The teenage years are an excellent example of this. So are the shoe-chewing period most dogs go through... or the peeing in the house (how old is Toby, Stefnee? has he actually passed through that phase?) I am just as guilty as anyone else of using it in this way, because that is how I was raised to use it!

Language is totally a social phenomenon and we learn how to use the language based on our social situation. If you grow up with your parents saying FUCK FUCK FUCK all the time, it has absolutely no meaning to it. I didn't. We NEVER used that word in our house so whenever I hear it used aggressively (it's different in a sexual connotation of course, but more social imprinting there, too!), it still makes me cringe... My mom couldn't stand us using the word "piss" and it made her cringe... but to me... nothing.

Excuse me a moment while I go and take a piss....

And then once I started doing these meditations that I passed on to Stefnee this year that she has been doing as well.... something changed. Something BIG changed.

You could say that I transitioned from one important PHASE of my life to another very important PHASE.

Lots of stuff has occurred this year, far more than I've even made mention to on the blogs. But, one very BIG thing that happened is that I had a huge paradigm shift..... Over a teeny little thing.

I came to realize that we ALL look at the word "phase" in a negative way, as if it is something transitory, undesirable that soon will pass as long as we dig in, and hold the fort through the discomfort.

But you know what? I don't see it that way anymore. I have given the word PHASE a totally new, fresh look and I see it completely differently! And that has made a world of difference. That is why I LOVE to use the term "phase" now because I see it in such a positive, spiritually nurturing way.

Let me see if I can explain how I made this massive shift...

  • We go through the childhood phase.
  • We enter the hormonal growth phase of our teens.
  • We become young adults and fresh adults in another phase.
  • We enter into, and leave the dating phase because we need to learn about the opposite sex so that we can better interact with 50% of the population.
  • We have a school, bookworm education phase to develop our intelligence.
  • We have a hard knocks phase in life to get our wisdom.
  • We enter the working world phase and take on responsibility, learning how to pay back society through developing our own personal value.
  • We usually enter a serious partner phase when we want to settle into a "long term relationship" with them and hopefully grow with them.
  • We have children and enter the parental phase where we learn how to stop being selfish and truly give ourselves to our dependents 100% selflessly.
  • We have a phase where we outgrow our employer and we need to move on.
  • We usually enter a phase in our lives that is very difficult economically, socially, spiritually and this critical phase helps us to grow and understand often the true values of simplicity, as well as a time to help us learn to rely upon our own inner strengths.
  • We have a phase in which we really deeply solidify our values, and come to understand why we exist on this planet, in this multiverse.
  • We have an aging phase where we need to learn to physically slow down, that we no longer have to do the same things we did when we were young.
  • We enter an illness phase where we have to learn humility. Until this point, we have relied upon ourselves, upon our own strength... but we can no longer do that and we NEED others to care for us, just as our parents did when we were infants. This is a hard pill to swallow, but it is a phase that is extremely necessary to make us whole, complete human beings ready for the final phase of life...
  • Our physical bodies collapse, and eventually we go through the final phase of death.

And the life cycle renews.

These aren't by any means ALL of the phases... they are just the ones I could think of at this time following a linear timeline fashion, the way my brain likes to work... nicely... neatly...

Do you see how if we miss any of these phases of life, we cannot grow to be better, more loving, caring humans? Do you see how vitally, how critically important PHASES are?

Yes, we could still say it is a "passing phase" and attach that negative, transitory connotation to it... but ... we don't... have to.... We have the ability to choose to see things differently. And we can choose to see the term phase differently so that it doesn't limit us to the negative aspects only.

Now in there.... something I didn't mention.... didn't add to that timeline...

We DO go through phases with people in our lives. They come, they go. We need to look to each and every relationship and find the takeaways from each and every one. Because THEY EXIST. They do. No matter how horrible a relationship we may be in, or may have just gotten out of, we GROW from them, we LEARN from them, we EXPAND spiritually from them. Do you remember my "toothpaste" blog? We never know what we really need or want unless we try.

Now... what often happens is that people don't realize that we MUST go through phases for growth. We cannot NOT grow. Only dead things are not growing. But even after death there are still phases, still transition stages. Everything changes. Everything. And... in the same respect, everything ENDS at some point or another. Everything. There is nothing that lasts forever (except maybe energy which just possibly keeps being recycled as new life forms if you want to believe that NewAge Wackhead Shit - some do, some don't, my beliefs here are inconsequential).

EVERYTHING ENDS. EVERYTHING.

Even wonderful relationships end. Sometimes they end in death. Sometimes they end in divorce, or separation. But they always end.

Your relationship as you have it now with your kids will end. It HAS to end. The current relationship WILL end. That phase will end. It will. There is no doubt about it. And then you will enter a NEW PHASE, a new relationship with them in a way that meets their needs, and yours. See, you simply cannot treat your 35 year old daughter the same way you did when she was 14. It's not possible. She would hate you for it, if you held onto that view of her. And where would that take you, right? It HAS TO CHANGE. IT HAS TO END. And then a new phase WILL begin.

The same is with relationships. We enter a loving marriage with the belief, "until death do us part". But that's nearly impossible because in most cases we have so many growth PHASES to go through that the chances of us still being  on the same path 10, 20, 30, 40 years down the road... really isn't all that realistic. This isn't to say it isn't... but during that time, the married couple WILL go through many phases: lovers, partners, parents, no-sex mother and father, couples again, fighters, separators, divorced... or any permutation and combination of those... it happens to everyone. To us all. To you. To me. To Mayu. To ... to everyone. Everything changes. Everything Ends. Everything.

Even relationships that seem wonderful may "have to end". Well, end as in that PHASE, or that particular "style" of the relationship. If it means that to move onto the next growth phase we need to part... or for one of us to grow we must part from the other... then that is the way it must be.

BECAUSE WE CANNOT STOP GROWING. TO STOP GROWTH MEANS TO DIE.

I don't want to die. Do you? Nobody does. Therefore sometimes we have to do what they do in the fishing industry: "catch and release" in order to keep the fishing stock alive and growing for others to catch the bigger fish, or different fish, or just to make sure we don't deplete the fish. We sometimes have to "catch and release". And that is very hard to do. Very hard.

But.... as I am learning this year... through meditation, through spiritual growth, and continual practice, study, learning, and above all CHOOSING TO SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY... oh, did I mention breathing? I have to fit that in here somewhere too, right?

As I am learning this year... that sometimes in order to keep growing, I need to let go that which I love. And sometimes to let those I love continue to grow, I need to let them g(r)o(w). It is not easy, not easy at all BECAUSE I LOVE THEM, but because I love them it is sometimes necessary.

These people were in my life for a phase. It may have been a year, a decade, a millennium... but there comes a time when we must let go. To grow. And the growth gives more stability. Because stability MUST COME FROM WITHIN, it cannot come from without.

This is why network marketing fails so poorly... they have those huge pep rallies that get everyone all pumped up to go out into the world, sell! Sell!! SELL!!!! and make a bazillion dollars.... But once the external pep talk fades away, once that external pillar is gone back to the high rise office... the inner flame fades, flickers, sputters and burns out. And then the stability collapses.

The only time stability can be sustainable, 100% guaranteed is when we build that stable foundation FROM WITHIN. When we learn to rely upon ourselves for our strength, for our inner love, for our respect, for our help to reach out and give to others... then NOTHING can knock us down. Nothing. Really. Nothing. Not even a Class 5 Hurricane. NOTHING can destroy us.

And this too is a critically important long-term PHASE we must enter for ourselves, for sustainability, to LIVE, to GROW, to LOVE, to LEAVE A LEGACY.

We NEED these phases of life. And sometimes we need to enter the phase of letting go, in order to move a little further into creating our lifelong goal of building that rock-solid foundation from which all of our true-north principles can then emerge, always stable, always focused in the right direction, unwavering.

To me a phase is something that I NEED to grow and to live my life giving my soul to the world to heal, to bring love, life, light and happiness to others. The phase of bringing loved ones close, and the phase of letting loved ones go... in order for everyone to grow... these are all essential phases to our own personal journey through life.

And you know what? I LIKE ... no.. I LOVE how I see this term as a vitally important aspect of my whole package. Without the phases in my life, without those long and short term phases... I cannot grow, I cannot love, I cannot leave a legacy.

So this is how I have come to understand the term "phase".

I love you, Alan!

Cam

22 comments:

  1. Thanks, Robin! I was just about to apologize toyou for writing such a long blog! I know how busy you guys are and usually I well... I write a lot that you don't always have the time to finish.

    But thank you for popping in on all 3 of these blogs. They all came up totally unexpectedly, but are important thoughts for me. So thank you.

    I love you!

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  2. I can to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Will be back later to read. Time for bed.

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  3. "These people were in my life for a phase. It may have been a year, a decade, a millennium... but there comes a time when we must let go. To grow. And the growth gives more stability. Because stability MUST COME FROM WITHIN, it cannot come from without."

    This is SO very true Cam! It is an ongoing learning process though, to maintain that stability WITHIN.

    I sent you a Happy Bday message on your guestbook, but I will reiterate it here! Happy Birthday! I love you!

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  4. My problem/question is how do you TELL someone you want/need to let them go.

    It's fine for us as we have examined our feelings and have come to the decision clearly, but what if the other person(s) are going happily along thinking the relationship or friendship is more or less fine (though you hardly ever talk ... busy they presume).

    Is there a way to say to someone, "i need to move on from our friendship", or this relationship is not for me anymore?

    How do you say that in a way that he other person doesn't feel ...abandoned? They'd almost HAVE TO feel that way, at least initially. I know i would... it would kill me to hear that from someone i cared about
    I'm sure they'd come to understand it, but it's the initial hurt and the idea that "I" could cause it is hard for me.
    It is virtually impossible for me to cause someone pain... thus i hang onto relationships i no longer am fulfilled in assuming (rather hoping) they will just quietly fade away.

    Isn't that OK too?

    This is depressing me... gotta get out in the garden.

    I love you, Cam!

    That way i don't see it as a "phase"

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  5. At work now, so no time for detailed commenting... will be back later, though.

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  6. Jen - That's where "stepping into the fear" comes in. You sometimes HAVE to say the hard stuff. You can say it to your children, you can say it to others, sometimes you really just NEED to SAY IT to THOSE YOU LOVE. There is no other way. There really is no other way.

    And besides, there is no one-sided separation. Just like you can't have a one-sided argument. If one person needs to move, to grow, the other person already knows it inside. And their shock, is more a matter of not wanting to accept it, or just not being the one who got to say it first. This is where divorce can get nasty because the person who actually has the strength to say, "we need to split" is the one that gets blamed for the divorce, when it isn't that way at all. It really is not. Both know this. Both feel it. Just one person is finally prepared to SAY it, while the other one is still either spinning, or evading, or afraid to move forward and grow.

    Growth takes effort. Imagine how hard it is for those little sprouts to pop out of those seeds. Or the butterfly to emergy, or ... or anything. Growth is not easy, but it is ESSENTIAL.

    if you don't grow, you die.

    I love you!

    Enjoy gang, I'm off for the weekend to see my brokeback buddy.

    Cam

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  7. I love the talk of growth. One of my favorite phrases. " The only consistent thing in life is Change"
    Change will find you, One can accept or live in denial.

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  8. Cam.. this is such a HUGE blog!


    First of all.. I love the concept of phases. I too used to look at as negative.. and yanno... I do miss some of the people that have phased out of my life... but I am *so* thankful that they were there.... for however long.. because I have grown. My growth is, admittedly, self actualized, but I've gotten pushes, nudges and encouragement from so many... so many... that... there is no way I could possibly be where I am today without each person I've connected to in my life.

    I've learned... how to overcome fear
    how to deal with death
    how to laugh
    how to raise my children
    how to sew!
    how to cook
    how to treat others...

    the list is endless, really... AND... it's not to say that I have learned all I need to learn about these things.. not at all! but maybe... I learned what I needed to from that person, so it was time for us to naturally drift apart... and... maybe... what I learned from them was how to teach, how to guide, how to love.... sometimes, my take away is not what I've received.. but.. what I've given. I love that.

    No one takes from me... I freely give. It's who I am.


    When relationships end.. it's not always easy! gah... no. No way. But.. I can set myself a mourning time... mope, cry, lament and feel that for however long I need to, and then... put those thoughts away. I own them, they are mine.. but they don't control me. My emotions don't control me, they simply belong to me.


    there is so much I want to say here!!


    The line you wrote that speaks to me the most.. was one that took me years to learn... and finally, I got it.....


    "Stability MUST COME FROM WITHIN, it cannot come from without. "


    This... is so true.... if you place your anchor in a person... if you lean on ME for stability.... you'll fall, because... I will mess up. I will fail you. I will. I am simply a person... a human being.... I make mistakes, I fail. That's life. I pick myself up and I dust myself off.. and I keep going.. because.. I am my own constant. I am my own stability... I know that at the end of my day, life, existence.... I need to find peace and comfort and joy within myself.. because... I'm the only one who knows, loves, needs, wants and cherishes me... when everything else ends. And it will.

    It will.

    and.. I have peace about that.. because... I know who I am.


    Excellent blog...


    and... I for one, am enjoying the growth I've seen in you.... I have loved watching you change, grow and evolve for the better!


    I love you!

    S

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  9. Stef said, "I am simply a person... a human being.... I make mistakes, I fail. That's life. I pick myself up and I dust myself off.. and I keep going.. because.. I am my own constant. I am my own stability... I know that at the end of my day, life, existence.... I need to find peace and comfort and joy within myself.. because... I'm the only one who knows, loves, needs, wants and cherishes me... when everything else ends. And it will."

    This speaks to me because it says something i came to understand with the help of a very special friend in a long talk last night.

    I have been struggling to see things in an "enlightened... present" way and it has been such a struggle that i've gotten depressed over my inability to grasp it completely.

    But i have come to the conclusion that, get it or not... i am ...ME. I can accept me as at least being AWARE.

    I'm aware of who i am and aware of who i want to be...

    Aware of the challenges i face...

    Aware that i must face them in my own WAY and in my own TIME. That time may come not for a long while ... or it may come tomorrow. But i've discovered i can't force myself.

    My way is to observe and watch for opportunity... and be ready.

    I HAVE grown in that i am aware and think i know myself enough to know when i am ready.


    For that i have this experience with all you people who have become my friends.. my family to THANK.

    Most especially you Cammy.

    I love YOU!

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  10. "Stability MUST COME FROM WITHIN, it cannot come from without. "

    For so long I lived with Stability from outside of me. Examples mom, friends, spouse, kids Just to name a few.


    These people will always let me down. They are people they will fail. They will fail my expectation.

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  11. Just to clarify, because re-reading my original comment, I can see how it might be misinterpreted... I am aware that I need to have my own internal stability, and for the most part, I do... I have ups and downs within that affect my moods and decision-making at times, and that is the nature of the Human Beast... but 99% of the time, I know what I want, where I'm going... Steph has been working with me over the last year or so in making that stability positively charged as opposed to negative, and I've learned a lot from you too, Cam.

    It is instability that comes from without in my world... I know I can't control all of it, and really... I'm not entirely sure I want to, because like you said, change does bring growth. I'm experiencing quite a bit of it right now as my children have come to live with me. My life outside of the confines of my skull has become a completely different thing. I anticipated this, but I'm aware now I didn't–and could not possibly–calculate all the endless permutations of chaotic change this would entail. It's a bit unsettling, yes, and the foundations of my life feel like they are being put to the test... and the personal growth I have experienced in the past couple of years have prepared me as well as it could for dealing with it... but the transition from one phase to another is always unsettling, no matter how prepared one is. And that is life.

    Several times in my life I have been put into a position where I've had to wipe my slate clean, so to speak... my friends from high school, whom I loved dearly... I only know where two of them are, and I rarely speak to them... my best friend... I don't even know if he's still alive. The thightly-knit–though not so tight after all–group of friends I had even five years ago... I am only marginally in contact with a couple of them, and I haven't spoken to any of them in over a year.

    I hear people speak of still being close to friends they had in high school or grade school... or even something as simple as being solid friends for ten years... I have never experienced this. And I wonder: Am I doing something wrong, or something right? Is my life meant to be so full of change? Am I destined for something that requires me to be on such a fast-track?

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  12. The Zen answer to Alan's questions, to me, would be a resounding YES!

    As they/we say in practice, "It is what it is".

    If this is our lives now then it is meant to be... else it would be something else.

    This is the growth i have experienced. The hard part is dealing with the emotions of it.

    My life is what it is and i accept it, but i reserve the right to be unhappy and or frustrated by it. I give myself the right to feel what i feel (pissed, annoyed, or even blissful) for as long as i need to then...it's gone.... i can let it go.

    It's when people try to cheer me up or tell me to change how i feel that i think i am wrong and not getting it.

    So i am ok with just letting things take their natural course.

    "This too shall pass" has become infinitely more meaningful to me in this phase.

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  13. Jenny, when I'm on a course.. and I'm frustrated and unhappy, I have to do one of two things, either change my perspective, have a paradigm shift.... or... CHANGE my course!! Nothing says that if you're unhappy, miserable, frustrated or unhappy that you should STAY that course. No way. it may take me awhile to recognize that and then make my changes.... but.... letting things take a natural course can sometimes put me in danger of becoming complacent and.... comfortable? in my misery. I have lived like that. Won't do it again.

    Change my perspective, or change my course. THAT'S what I learned from difficult situations.

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  14. Alan, I seriously don't think you should be down about people phasing in and out.... especially.. because they haven't phased out in a negative way. Look at all of the opportunities you've had to learn from these people... how *many* people you have been able to glean from.... that's amazing and fortunate! And... just because they're out of your life doesn't mean you can't continue to learn from them!




    I know that it's been a difficult transition getting used to your kids being around... and.. I'm so proud of how you have really shown your colors with your kids. *beaming* It's been my privilege to watch you grow these past couple of years.. I love you!

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  15. Apparently i wasn't clear in my comments... I'm so sorry i said things so badly.

    I'm just... tired i guess..

    Stef, If i'm on a path that is blocked, it causes me to get angry, frustrated... like a huge traffic jam. I pound the steering wheel and curse for a bit ... i can take another route once i get to th next exit, but that's miles away....

    so... i can still be pissed off at the situation.. frustrated that i am going to be late now and lose money on top of it.

    But there's nothing i can do until it opens up. So after i vent... i let it go. There's nothing i can do to change my course... i HAVE to wait.

    That's when i turn up the stereo... i even turn OFF the engine... and wait!

    I'm just saying i have decided to relax and stop trying so hard to keep all the plates spinning in what has become the chaos of my life.

    I know a change is coming i'm aware of the signs and i am good at reading situations so i will be ready WHEN it comes... Rather than making it happen.

    Know what i mean???

    I could drive on the shoulder and get to that exit and on to another path... but...i'd rather listen to music... read my magazine til it opens up.

    Does that make more sense than that other crap i wrote before???

    God i hope so.

    I made a mess in that one i think.

    I'm better off writing about politics...

    Stay tuned for more from election 08

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  16. Jenny.. I get you!

    I think so often though, that people get too comfortable in their.... misery.. or even worse.. addicted to it and unable to recognize that they are causing their own stress, yanno? That's where being the observer in your own life comes in handy.. being able to look at your life, your situation from an outside view.. objectively.. instead of just.... wallowing and expecting the change to come from your surroundings.


    I know.. it's hard to step into my fear.. and I stop and I think....

    "oy, I need a push..." but... it's like being a kid on the high dive....
    I'm the only one up there.. my toe on the line....
    standing on the edge.... my friends and family can encourage me... but .. no one can push me..


    ultimately, I have to step into my fear alone... and .... jump... my heart pounding in my throat and the wind rushing past my ears..... usually... no matter how I land.. flat on my ass, belly flop or a beautiful swan dive.....

    the Jump is never as hard as I imagined it would be.

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  17. Jen I love this. "i have decided to relax and stop trying so hard to keep all the plates spinning in what has become the chaos of my life."

    I have decided that it is not my job to keep all the plates spinning either. And I love my life so much more.

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  18. I have come to rather enjoy the rush of jumping into my fear. It's scary, but i KNOW it gets me where I want to go now. I know this beyond the shadow of a doubt. Without the jump, I won't get there. So ... if I want to get there... all I can do is jump. And I choose to make that leap, I choose to jump.

    I choose.

    Because when push comes to shove... the external push can catch you offguard. And instead of the beautiful swan dive that YOU CHOOSE to dive, your balance is off, your timing is off, and everything falls apart.

    I choose to push myself into the fear (that's "stepping into my fear"), rather than to be shoved by external, uncontrollable forces that never come when you expect them, and always come at the worst possible time.

    As Stefnee says, once you make that first scary jump, the second, the third get easier and easier, and actually the exhilaration of jumping into the fear makes for quite an enticing "carrot".

    Rachel - I'm glad you have stopped spinning all the plates. Now I can use some of them to get some food out of your fridge! I've been really hungry waiting for you to stop spinning those damn things and use them as they were intended: TO EAT ON!

    Jen - I used to think that the course would change naturally when the time was right. I don't believe that anymore. I am the Master of My Universe. I make the changes. I choose the road I wish to travel on. I can't wait for it anymore. God, I'm only going to be around for another 159 years, and I cannot afford to wait for things to "happen to me". I no longer want to be a "react". I choose to act. I love you!

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  19. Funny enough one of the things that I have stopped doing is cooking so much.lol.

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  20. Cam, as usual, I am getting in on your fabulous discussions a bit late. I honestly did not read the first two lengthy blogs...my bad...but did read a good portion of this.
    I have always said, that if you do not continue to grow, then you are dead...maybe not physically but emotionally and spiritually.
    We must always learn to overcome our fears in order to grow. The problem is that we do not always want to face those fears and that is where being stagnant comes in to play. Sometimes for a short time, sometimes for a life time.
    I can certainly relate to this at this point in my life. I had to overcome the fear(s) of not having a job, leaving my family security and leaving to a new state. In essence, I "pushed myself" through the fear and what has resulted is a happiness I have never had in my life. A new found freedom to be just me for awhile and also discover a new me.
    Thanks for your friendship Cam...love you.

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