This is a continuation of the comments in my latest blog, Hedge Fund: Investing in a Different Perspective. We have taken a bit of a tangent, but it is an interesting tangent, and one that I thought I would like to share with everyone because it allows me (once again) to show the world how damn proud I am of my parents, Mudpuddle and Sharon, for raising Bruce and I to be (somewhat) functional adults in a world that really seems to be going to H-E- Double Hockey Sticks in front of my very own still nearly 20/20 baby blue eyes (comment: I attribute near perfect vision to my 7 years of taking PEOs, by the way and yes, this is a gratuitous plug for my health stuff, but it's my world so like it... or like it!).
It also allows me to express my belief on the absolute importance of parents raising their children "the right way", as opposed to "the left way".
Primary Disclaimer: Of course, I have nefver had my own children so don't know shit about raising them therefore you should never take anything I say about raising children seriously...
Secondary Disclaimer: Now remember, as with every opinion that ever exists in any newspaper, or blogosphere, or that comes out of anyone's mouth, they are all based on their one-of-a-kind eyeglasses that are tinted with their very own "stuff", or JBOPPs - Judgements, Beliefs, Opinions, Positions and Prejudices. You may not see it as I do, but that's simply because your perceptions will be based upon your very own JBOPPs, which will be different from mine, for a multitude of reasons I call "culture".
Dad loved to cook when we were growing up. As he had moved his way into a government job, he got to leave the office pretty much every day around 4.30 and come home. Mom worked in the Cancer Foundation treating patients, giving them chemotherapy, giving them love. She often worked later because you can't just say, "oh, it's closing time, I guess I'll shut the book on this patient and pick it up again tomorrow" when they have been waiting all day to receive, or were in the middle of receiving their chemotherapy medication.
So, this meant that Dad would often do a lot of the dinner cooking. Mom always loved it and one of the household jokes (made by Dad) was that as long as he prepared it, she would even love a frozen turd on a plate!
This showed me as I was growing up (not the turd joke... oi you!) that yes men DO cook, and they do it well. There were no hesitations about that.. it is a simple fact (which now a days I would call a perception). And ... so I simply DO cook. And I do it well (there is no other way TO cook than "well", is there? I didn't think so!)
When I came to Japan to teach I was shocked to find out that so many of my male students, when left alone to make their own meals at home, would proudly tell me that they knew how to make.... toast. But that was about it. I even had one student tell me that every time he was hungry and wandered into the kitchen, his grandfather, or grandmother or even father would shoo him out of the kitchen and tell him that if he wanted something, he should ask mother, and that he was not supposed to be cooking. I'm guessing that to this day, his wife is silently cursing his "lazy little yellow ass" (as opposed to my skinny white ass just so you know I'm not being racist here), and kicking herself for not checking into that before they tied the noose... i mean knot. Of course the Japanese men and women (who would swoon over my ability to cook and the fact that I would bring my cooking to class for them) were equally shocked that I just naturally cooked. I am sure that Matt can attest to this from his students as well.
So, I learned from an early age that men cook. And that comes from "Dear Old Male Parental Unit".
Thank the gods that I did NOT pick up one of my dad's habits regarding cooking, though...
Dad NEVER cleaned the dishes after he was done cooking; he felt that if he did the cooking, then that was enough and it wasn't his duty to do the dishes.
Well, I LOVE doing dishes and I often have to have a battle with Mayu to get her away from the dishes because I want to enjoy doing them (I battle her because I know that the dishsoap wrecks the skin on her hands so I want her not to deal with that as the psoriasis she grew up with... it makes her knuckles crack and bleed). These days doing dishes is one of the NOW MOMENTS where I love to practice being present, midful, aware and do the dishes for the purpose of doing the dishes, and nothing else.
So where did my love of doing dishes come from, you may wonder? I wondered too, but then I took a few "gap" moments, and thought about it, the answer came to me.
Well, let me tell you that another one of our chores growing up was to clean the dishes from the table, wash them (before the advent of the dishwasher), or to rinse them off and then put them in the dishwasher. We didn't have the rule of putting the clean dishes away.. but we just did. Mom always made sure that it was essential we know how to do this as kids and thanks to MOM here, it really paid off.
The other thing I learned from Mom was that the person doing the dishes was also responsible for cleaning off the counters, especially the stove top. This is an often neglected area that people forget and it gets left to Mom to sparkle and shine. Well, thanks to Dear Old Female Parental Unit, I always make sure the counters are glistening, there are no water spots on the top, and that the range top is wiped, along with the underside of the vent, the fans, the fridge, and other areas where oil may have vaporized during cooking.
Mom taught me how to do the laundry and I am very happy to say that I DO know how to do it right from start, to ironing and putting away, even if many women out there don't believe me! Mayu has always hated anyone else doing laundry but her way, so that has been an interesting struggle over the past 20 years as my most excellent skills at laundering (not money, in spite of what Jose Iglesias our resident "snarky (but lovable... sometimes) sockless wonder" insists) have gone mostly unrecognized. Oh well, that's life, I guess and maybe in my next "life" my laundering skills will be appreciated.
Then we have taking out the trash completely, neatly, on time, and bringing in the cans when they sit there empty after pickup (thanks Mom and Dad for training us on that), as well as lots of shoveling snow (which I think, and my Dad can confirm or deny this here) that I loved doing all my life while growing up in Winnipeg, and still love to this day.
Starting off at an early age, and giving lots of chores to the children, provides them with the tools to know how to do a lot of things right. It teaches the importance of knowing and respecting rules and boundaries that absolutely must not be crossed. While doing this with love and allowing the children the leeway to personalize these chores and take ownership of them, the children grow into capable, loving, respectful, mindful, and flexible adults (and parents, I guess, but I wouldn't know of course...)
These lessons are very important things that parents need to GIFT to their Offspring Units. Without these tools, as we grow through life, how are we to continue on the lineage and create more Offspring Units that are not dys-functional? I can't see how it can be done otherwise....
Upon writing this blog (and thinking deeply upon a few recently received emails from a very dear friend of mine) it has occured to me that another important thing is to have both a mother and father in the family to give the children a balanced way of seeing how people act, interact, and react when two different personalities/sexes/cultures come in contact. Everyone is different based upon our cultural upbringing, and having both parents as a role model for learning how to interact during conflicting situations, how to move from anger, to discussion, to resolution and then back to love and respect is critically important for children to see.
This helps the children learn how to do this later on in life when they enter into relationships, and they find themselves in similar "conflict" situations; it allows them to know that they can debate, discuss, even get angry and express their needs without fearing a loss of the people they love and respect. This is VERY important and I learned this very well by watching my Mom and Dad "do the dance" as they grew up living with each other, and eventually us.
I loved the fact that even if I did not do well on tests at school, my parents were always supportive. They never told me "you could have done better had you just studied more like I told you to do". Never. Ever. Those are terrorist tactics akin to waterboarding children as they leave very bad psychological scars on them, and actually have the opposite effect intended: they hinder early on, and later in life, a person's "challenge abilities" and their self-confidence. In Japan, this is one of the biggest problems with education (as I perceive it, and as I feel is confirmed by the bizarre stress-related murders, decapitations, suicides, etc. that seem to be skyrocketing among the 30-something generation these days, as well as the school children age), that the parents are always bullying their children into getting perfect scores.
Not my Parental Units! I often remember them telling me that all I need to do is to learn from the mistakes from the test, and try not to get them wrong again. They would also tell me that if I got a better mark on a test next time, then I have improved! This led me to the belief (one of my JBOPPs) that getting 100% on a test, or always being perfect is detrimental to a person, because it allows absolutely no leeway to grow and learn more (how can you improve when you think you are perfect?). And so I revel in making mistakes, because it is part of my ongoing attempts at improving myself, at learning life's lessons and it also allows me to get it right the next time (that doesn't mean I never kick my ass, or need my ass kicked by the way....). Thank you Mom and Dad for that lesson!
Back to the issues about being bullied in school... that was a tough one because my Mom and Dad had different beliefs. Mom would tell me to do the good christian thing and "turn the other cheek", while Dad, who was, I think a scrapper in his youth (maybe it came from banging his head too hard as he broadsided a cow on his bike on one lonely unlit country road at night...) but refuses to admit that, would tell me to "IF PROVOKED, hit hard, hit first, and make sure they learn to never bother you again". Now some of you may agree to my mom's way, and some to my dad's way, and those are YOUR JBOPPs to deal with. I could never work out a balance between these two from the people I loved and respected the most in my world, so continue to get bullied, and really be hurt by it, and feel disappointed that I couldn't do what either of my parents recommended. That was a tough lesson, I do admit.
Having said that, I have a positive lesson that my parents gave me from this as well... they both agreed that if I had to fight in school, it would be only to defend myself after being picked on. Instigating fights was absolutely not acceptable and I would have to face the music at home for that, but if I did protect myself, even though it was against school rules to fight, that although I would have to face the music at school for breaking the rules, I would not be doubly punished at home.
This was a GREAT lesson to learn as it showed me complete support by my parents, and it did let me feel that I was loved, respected and understood for making the right choices on my own. It really did help me to learn to trust my own belief systems. I commend all parents who raise their children this way, go to bat for them, and especially tell their children that they will support them even if they have made mistakes "out there".
There was never any physical abuse, mental abuse, alcohol-induced bad decisions, or anything like that in my family. None. And I have to thank my parents for that because I know it has helped me to see things differetly as I move through my life with unconditional love for the world, and everyone participating in it. I am glad I don't have to face those demons as an adult because I know how hard decades of hard-wiring can be to have to re-wire... nearly impossible unless you are very pro-active and seriously want to make huge positive changes in your life, and in the lives of those that matter to you. Stepping into your fears is terrifying, but it is necessary to make these kinds of changes... so I am very grateful to my parents for loving me unconditionally without employing any terror tactics in my youth that would most likely still be haunting me to this day and preventing me or hindering me from moving forward in my life.
I love all of you parents for raising your children like this because I KNOW it works, and builds a positive character that will come back later in life to benefit your children, and make you proud of them as they move through their adult lives. It also frees you from the feeling that they don't know what they are doing, and it allows you to let them make their own choices, make their own mistakes, and allow them to learn from them, and correct them as they see fit. This is immensely empowering, believe me.
This is a positive payback for both parents, and children that cannot be denied (from my one-of-a-kind JBOPP-tinted spectacles, of course). It's not too late, gang... if you don't do this already, you can still start doing it today... right NOW... as of this very moment... and your children will love you and respect you even more while in childhood, as well as when they grow up and become the adults that they must become. They will love you, and respect you as I love my parents unconditionally and completely.
That's a great investment, don't you think?
I love you guys, unconditionally, as I love my parents!
And now I am going to publish this (after copying it because it will have timed out and the system will lose this blog if I don't), and then I will go back and work on correcting the typographical errors that I haven't worried about as I worked through these thoughts.)
I love you!
Cam
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