Yesterday I had a battle with Ego....
I went for the first time in 3 years to wash my car by the little community center in the 'hood here. I used their water. I know I probably shouldn't have, and that thought did cross my mind several times as I was considering, preparing, and doing "the deed". But in the end, I made a decision, a choice that although may not be seen as acceptable by some, was acceptable by me at the time.
Somebody saw me. I think it might have been the opera-singing hot near-seventies jean-wearing, slim wife of the old school teacher across the street who always calls me "gaijin-san" when he gives me vegetables in the summer. She was out there on their veranda taking in laundry and I waved at her and smiled (she nodded back). I didn't think anything of it because we usually say hi, chat, talk to each other. Mayu and I always shovel away the snow from their parking pad because it's heavy and they are not spring chickens... We never say anything, we never tell them, we just.. do it. Because we care about the people around us.
She is the only person I can think of, unless Dickhead's dad next door who saw me walk back to the community center carrying a bucket and sponge "assumed" that I was going there to wash my car. You just cannot see my car or me from our street because you would have to look between houses, through shrubs that are taller than him, and then around the little community center "over there" to even SEE anything. I checked and I couldn't even see anything from this street.
So either he noticed directly somehow or the opera-jeans lady told my neighbour, Dickhead's dad, who is also a very strange person and not all that nice (we always greet them, and more often than not they completely ignore our existence). He called the person who is in charge of looking after our neighbourhood this year (it rotates annually). Luckily that woman is a long-time friend of ours and she walked over and told me I shouldn't be doing it because everyone has to pay for that water. True... this is true... I just thought ONCE I could use a bit of the water that I pay for in my dues,and it is much easier to wash there than it is in our parking pad.
She then told me about how she was baffled that Dickhead's Dad (she doesn't call him that, though she knows of the death threats as her husband is a retired police officer and we wanted them to know... they live just four houses away at the top of the street) knew I was here, and more so, WHY, when she was sure he had to know it was me, why would he call her and say that "SOME UNKNOWN PERSON" was washing HIS car and using the water "illegally"? Why not just say, "Cam is washing...." instead of making it "anonymous nasty"? Well, those of you who live in small towns or villages probably know this mentality ALL TOO WELL.... (I know that Stefnee knows what it feels like living next door to someone that doesn't like you and looks for excuses to "rap your knuckles"... it's NOT a nice feeling especially when you harbour no ill will back... it really ruins the "air" in the neighbourhood...)
I drove my car back around the block to my parking space and walked next door and told Ito-san that it's the first time I've ever used that water. Our friend was there at the time telling him that she responded to the situation and all is OK now and thanking him for bringing it to her attention (its her job this year to deal with community stuff, although she doesn't like him either).
I was feeling a bit aggressive because I was bothered by the way he complained, but I was going to apologize. But when I told him that it was the first time, he said to me in derision that "I am not to be trusted and nobody will believe me that I only did it once."
I almost retorted back, I almost fought back, I almost stabbed back, I almost went in for the kill... it was almost an instantaneous reaction to want to tell him about his son's death threats against me. But I bit my tongue as I realized that those desires to cause pain back to attack back were only my ego attempting to "win" by inflicting "equal or greater harm". My friend saw me, and then she saw me "zip my lip" by running my fingers across my lips in that familiar action, and she nodded her head in agreement. We parted ways.
I'm still kind of spinning this morning, and I did yesterday and in the evening and through the night as I knew I would, but it was most interesting to realize that those thoughts, feelings, emotions welling up inside me WERE NOT ME and when I noted that, and when I perceived that, I was able to stop the EGO and the pain-body (See Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth for reference) from fulfilling their tag team desire to create externally, or internally a hostile environment from which to feed off of and continue to grow.
The meditation CDs I have been breathing to every day for months now, with the book by Tolle, and the Secret of the Ages book as well as The Secret, as well as The Four Agreements that I have all read recently, coupled with the seminar at Mindspring I attended in January, and talking about this stuff with Jenny, Stefnee, Paula, Abby, Sheila and other people in a "circle" if you will, trying to more deeply understand these concepts and how they relate to spirituality, life and living it more fully, more at peace and more PRESENT has really helped me I think. I think that this recent book, A New Earth, has helped me the most by showing the "ego" as a separate entity inside us all that can act upon its own free will without our permission by feeding off past events, past experiences, and future potential occurrences that of course are meaningless because they have not happened.
It is amazing to have times like yesterday where what you read about, and think, "what? separate?" actually happens. To be able to stand apart from myself and see the emotions to fight back and "defend my rights" as being totally egocentric and serving absolutely no purpose at all (especially since his words or beliefs can cause me no physical damage that I need to protect myself from) was quite an eye opener.
After talking with Jenny some about this, and then processing with Stefnee it really helped me to calm further and look at those feelings as being owned by me, being mine, and being in my possession, but at the same time NOT ME. I own my thoughts, my emotions but they do not own me. They are not me. This really is profound and those of you who have had a glimpse into a situation like this will know what I mean. It is stunning to see "two of self" at the same time and not be in some drug-induced state, or lucid dreaming.
Stefnee started an affirmation for me, a mantra and asked me to repeat it with her... And when I started to type it, suddenly MY mantra for the situation came into being. And this is what I shared with self, to help understand me better...
Even though my ego feels it has the need to satisfy it's unmet desire for conflict and justification, I am bigger than that, calmer than that and see it for what it really is. I see up the sleeve of this thing called ego and there is nothing there but empty air. I am strong, I am calm, I am in control and the words that are said to me to harm me are only sound waves that can do absolutely no more harm to me than someone blowing a kiss at me. They are nothing to me and therefore dissipate as soon as they are uttered.
I was going to just let this sit as a private event, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized there is a "message" in this event that I need to share with the world, hoping that someone who reads this may have the same wonderful opportunity in the future to "step out of self" and see what those needs to "fight back and defend against personal verbal attack" really are all about: ego striving for survival, and nothing more.
They are not real, they are meaningless and will never ever ever improve the situation. They may give a feeling of "I showed him", but again, that's simply egoic masturbation, or "jerking off the jerk in self". And it serves no purpose other than to cause the ego to be reinforced further to look for those kinds of situations and "act" upon them just so that it can once again be stroked.
It's time to call Masaki and head over to his place for a ride in this gorgeous weather. Yukiyo comes from Tokyo for three days (remember the woman in the flowing red skirt a year ago in my photos and video of a traditional old town?) during the Golden Week. Likely we will enjoy the beautiful May evenings out on the deck and I am sure I will get some more death threats from the second story bedroom window as Dickhead feels we are interrupting his TV game attempts at ... whatevah!
I am in the gap on this one. I am at peace. I am present.
I love you.
Cam
P.S. It is also good to keep in mind at this point that Japanese culture and that of the west is completely different. What "we from the west" might think to be completely correct may be seen as improper here. For example, in my mind, it still makes sense that someone would come, and ask me not to do this, remind me that it is community water I am using, hear my apology and move on. Unfortunately, it's not that simple over here, especially in the country. The community needs to do it in an "annonymous way" in order to create a sense of keeping face with everyone. Yet at the same time, those same people will then start to spread rumours so everyone will know who that "someone" was, but again, nobody will outwardly say anything. It is very strange some times to live in a different culture... But I am the guest so I must learn to adapt... or leave.
Breathe......
In......................................
Out..........................................
In.......................................
Out...........................................
... and
ride.
*hug* I love you!
ReplyDeleteI officially give you permission to come use my water any time you want to wash your car. You can just park in the parking lot outside my bedroom window, and we'll drop the water down out the window.
ReplyDeleteBig love.
Matt - Thanks, man. Can we use it to wash my body in the parking lot, too? You know... I'll stand there all soaped up and you just dump buckets of water out your bedroom window all over me? Then we can get one of your friends to use your camera to record the opinions of the passers by, and register their shock. I have seen stranger things done on Japanese TV than that... I love you!
ReplyDeleteCD - Thank you! I love you.
Cam... your processing here... reminds me of my situation that I went through on Wednesday with my mom.... I was ready to shoot off an email... yadda yadda yadda... and I processed. I recognized the feelings of hurt, betrayal, rejection and disappointment that I was feeling and I let them out. I shut my office door and just cried them away.. then I was able to objectively look at the situation and realize... they were my feelings. They belonged to me. They did not define me.
ReplyDeleteBy the time I got your wonderful email of encouragement (thank you, by the way) I was feeling better... I had lived in the gap. It was a huge breakthrough for me!
I'm glad you zipped it up.... *wink*
Cam, only if you dance while we do it... consider it an updated "Flashdance" for the 21st century...
ReplyDeleteWay to go with talkin' all of that self-talk, Cameron-san. Writing it down is its own therapy, too. Interesting "non-confrontational" confrontation, eh? Rural culture is WAY different than that found in metropolitan environments. There are dickheads in each.
ReplyDeleteIchiban Dickheads.
I never wash my car myself. Would I fit in there in Japan?
ReplyDeleteBreathe in through your nose, out through your mouth...
ReplyDeleteGood thoughts in, bad thoughts out.
And Take Care Of You!
I prayed for patience once. I have been paying for that ever sence.
ReplyDeleteBeing able to 'just be' with anger, to allow it to exist without acting on it, is as difficulta task as I have ever set out to do. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not but, thankfully, more often than not these days I can just let it be.
You seem to have a lot of reading and I do not wish to add to it but if you have time, check out Anger By Thich Nhat Hanh, a wonderful Vietnamese Buddhist monk.
Regards,
Ken
Don't they have car washes over there?
ReplyDelete$10..00 and 10 - 15 minutes and my car looks like the day it rolled off the lot.
Saying "no"...
ReplyDeleteNO...
NO...
....sigh....
Jen - They do... but I have a box on top of my car and you can't put those through the wash, unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteKen - Stefnee sent me "The Miracle of Mindfulness" by the same guy. That's my next book. Thanks a lot! If I like this one, I'll look into the one you mention. If you want to read another really good one, look into "Anger and the Indigo Child" by Dianne Lancaster. She looked at anger from an angle that I have NEVER EVER heard of, nor considered!
Mavis - I wash mine twice a year. So you'd fit right into me!
TC - That's right. You live out in Bumfuck USA. I had forgotten that. I'm sure you get your fair share of Dickheads, too over there.
Matt - It's a deal! *spitting in palm*
Tornado - In..... Out...... In...... Out..... (no tissues this time).
Hmmm.... after getting out of the shower with the Deet & Sweat & Grime washed off I now see that from mid-bicep to wrist, and mid thigh to ankle I have turned a nice bright pink from today's sun! Upon further inspection I see that my face has taken on the same hue... Interesting...
ReplyDeleteTomorrow I think Yukiyo wants to go to Takayama so we will be fighing massive holiday traffic to get there. In case you are wondering what is in Takayama, please feel free to follow the link to the Wikipedia page...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takayama
This is the exact reason I won't live in a subdivision with a "homeowner's association" over here.
ReplyDeleteI adore Thich Nhat Hahn - The Miracle of Mindfulness is a fantastic book - I just know you'll enjoy it.
You should have driven it off the lot wouldn't have so many scratches and dents that way.. I rolled
ReplyDeletemy car once down the highway.. They wrote it off but that was back in 1957... Now eveyone tries to
destroy it with their car doors.... You can come home and wash your car anytime you want.!!
Hiya, Jim!
ReplyDeleteI thought you were going to give him one of those "dad" lectures about knowing the rules... LOL!
OK... i better get back in to work before i start some trouble.
*sneaking away... snickering* hehehehehe...
I'll trade you neighbors. Your new neighbor is called Fred. He is the kind of guy who can piss off the Pope. I'll take the death threat dude over Fred. Seriously. Fred bitches/moans/stalks around his back yard (which I can see from my office window) and puts his nose in everybody's business.
ReplyDeleteIt's swap time, Cam. I'm contemplating 'to put holes in the crate or not'.
you dont know how hard it has been these last few weeks not bitch slapping a few people here in the hood
ReplyDeleteglad you posted
im gonna have to read this about 200 times
i need it
ok so maybe 300 times
ReplyDeleteYou've won a victory over what the "bible thumpers" call "the natural man."
ReplyDeleteCongratulations, once again. (I can't seem to do it all the time, and that is to my detriment, certainly)
~grin~
Now, was this bad because this was not from your hose? I keep looking at this to see if you mention anything about water rationing or something..You naughty evil Cam!!!, I was sitting here thinking, "What would I have done?" and sadly I would have laughed and said 'Yes I did it, im naughty and I did it because I want to be spanked". and having my own personal experiences with Japanese in Japan, when I was a teenager and in my 20's and 30's this type of attitude and comments from me got me many a perplexed look and embarassed the other person. Anyway, you did the right thing, it would have just opened a bigger kettle of fish, sometimes you need to just walk away from the insanity.
ReplyDeleteWell, I just came back to civilization and read this. This week was particularely hard for me as well, and will share in a post soon, but when I read your entry, I could not only relate, but also feel a sense of guilt for not having had the patience that you were able to achieve.
ReplyDeleteGood Kudos! (btw, I tried Natto)
CG - I TOLD you that you'd find it if you looked! (did you like it?)
ReplyDeleteEwwwwww....natto!
ReplyDeleteDon't do it, David...
Save yourself....NOOOOO....
Yeap, I asked a Japanese friend of mine and she reveled the sources, funny thing tho, is that only one Asian store in the entire city carries is...
ReplyDeleteI wanted to videotape the experience... as if I liked it ... well... I see how it can be anm acquired taste... I didnt put any green onions on it, and I had it straight from the box...
I can't say I am addicted to it, or that i enjoyed it, and I didn't finish the package... I will tho, give it a second chance, and I will be ready for it...
is that explicit enough? lol
;)
hahaha Jena... too late, I did it. and well.. *sighs... It wasn't exactly what I expected.
ReplyDeleteI already tried mermit (or however you spell it) so... I can say this could get somewhere lol...
I take you are not a fan? where did u try it?
CG - Don't feel bad. I gagged on my first try when some evil Japanese got me to eat it and then all laughed at me.... But for some bizarre reason unbeknownst to me, the second time around, when I was traveling a few months later, I tried it in an izakaya by myself down in Nagasaki... and I loved it!
ReplyDeleteThe people from the Kyoto area in general can't stand it. It's strange that an entire area of Japan would find it distasteful.
Did it come with the little mustard and sauce that you need to mix in? If not, you should at least put in some soy sauce and then mix it all up well like in my videos. It needs to get nice and slimy for it to taste realllly good.
Are you kidding, David???
ReplyDeleteI saw a video of Cam preparing and eating it... UGH. Just the sight of it made me gag.
Looks like something akin to phlegm.... eww!
Good on ya for trying it yourself though, CG!
You're a braver soul than i!
Hey Cam I didnt see your reply,. but yeah... I actually gaged, and the funny thing is that my partner was looking as I was trying it and there was an expression of complete dissbelief that i was doing that LOL... but yeah...
ReplyDeleteIt did come with the mustard and the sauce, and I added it to the whole thing, it just tasted like .. baby vomit or something... I really don't know why I reacted like that lol..
I bought three packages, and I will try it again :)
Cheers!
Brave is little from how i felt after I ate that thing... and you know what is the craziest thing Jena?... that I will try it again.. *sighs...
ReplyDeleteNatto is to japan what Poi is to Hawaii. and both are foul but Natto looks like somthing that was regurgitated from one of those many Japanese Kaiju ( Monsters), Poi just tastes like paste.
ReplyDeleteLooks can be deceiving....
ReplyDeleteId rather eat frosting out of a can before I have that stuff again,
ReplyDeleteLooks are not deceiving in this case.
ReplyDeleteNatto looks bad and we have it from reputable sources now that it is....
Natto.... eww!
What? Am I chopped liver or something??
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteI did have it when I was 22 and I was in japan for the summer and we were staying in kyoto and on a weekend jaunt to Edo, The two japanese guys with us knew I never tried and after too much sake I tried it with my eyes clothes and even soused it was ICK!!!!, but to be honest it was the only foodstuff I didnt like, everything else I had there was good.
You're SOMETHING alright!
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDeletesigh..... well, will that be raw chopped liver sashimi, or grilled on a charcoal grill and dipped in garlic soy sauce? Might as well please you women somehow...
ReplyDeleteHehehehehe .....
ReplyDeleteHi Jen. Slow night "at the office"? Or are you in between clients?
ReplyDeleteWaiting on my 7:30..... grrrrrr.
ReplyDeleteWish i could just go HOME.
It was a slow day also. Only three.
but that's ok... just don't like being here so late BY MYSELF!!!